Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
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I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me