On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
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Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐