My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
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Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!