was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
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Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄