Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
You Might Also Like
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.