[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
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[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
and now we wait
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.