Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
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I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Jogging
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!