I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
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CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?