Smells like a challenge to me
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My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
I would move hell over six inches for you
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
a badder mouse
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I have a type: disappointing
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.