[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
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3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti