My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
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me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Body by Oreos
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas