It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
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SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Yes my dude
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him