*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
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I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.