Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
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him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight