Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
You Might Also Like
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.