*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
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Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
My what?
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?