Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
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Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?