Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
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[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”