Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
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I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Danger is very dangerous
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.