At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
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The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
I’m awake but I object,
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
doing your own taxes
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday