Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
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Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.
They’re millennial falcons.
The prophecy is fulfilled