The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
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Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.