As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
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Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
adam and eve had first world problems
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.