All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
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my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.