“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
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Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.