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When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
it must be school picture day
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.