The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
You Might Also Like
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
A tragic love story in two pictures.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.