I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
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“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
had to make it
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach