Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
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Safety first
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]