[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
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I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Denise please return my vape pen
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.