Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
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*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
so weird how every mom was born today
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
The dark side of Canada
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.