North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
You Might Also Like
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no