An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
You Might Also Like
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Fiction has to make sense.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid