[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
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One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Me too
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers