Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
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Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.