therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
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Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.