I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
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Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
I need better friends
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.