Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
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Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”