Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
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[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
(by @ZachWeiner )
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.