I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
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I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.