Spotted in New Orleans.
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An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Not today. 😅
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.