When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
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cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.