*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
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Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
☺️
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself