Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
You Might Also Like
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
what’s the point then??
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.