Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
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[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
that lip filler tho
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”