Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
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Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.