I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
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A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Me irl
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”