Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
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If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
cat vs inanimate object
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
This January has 47 Mondays
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time