Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
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I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
Wait for it
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”