Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
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Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?